He touches himself and as I watch, I understand that he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and more.
He’s so innocently sexy. He’s always new. He’s still surprising me as our discourse… as our intercourse evolves.
He’s let me in at last and I no longer have to watch from the window or listen at the door.
He knows now that I revel in his pleasure, that I long to see it repeatedly, never stopping, always loving this journey to his gratification exhibition, be it from across the room, or deep down inside of me.
I can devour him now with a glance, with a look, with my mouth drinking deep, knowing he is satified and will return satisfaction if that’s what I’m craving.
I watch now. I have an open invitation. I am a solicited guest.
And now that I’ve been welcomed, I never want this performance to end.
Some days his voice is so loud that I can’t hear or feel anything else without turning myself inside out.
It never lasts for more than an hour or two (often times less than that) but in that time he makes sure that I have his undivided attention.
This can be problematic and disorienting when I’m in public.
Our communication can never last for long because I don’t have the reserves. It’s too all consuming to sustain itself.
He doesn’t like to be ignored and I don’t do it on purpose but it takes a lot of energy and skills that I’ve not yet completely developed.
And paying attention to him can be dangerous, but so can ignoring him. Clearly.
Sometimes he wants me to throw all of my food away. He’s jealous, I think.
Some weekends, everything I plan on falls apart because of him.
The way that I’m falling apart, but seldom admit.
Every day that I don’t cut is a victory. I know this. But it doesn’t feel like the truth. It feels like cowardice.
If I could just cut him out of me… I’d be dead.
That’s the problem.
I think I’m beginning to hate him. Hate myself. Because he’s keeping me prisoner. I missed the party on Friday, the opera on Saturday, the walk in the park today because of his need… and my aversion.
These feel like failures or defeats, but is it a failure if it keeps you alive?
I try to talk myself through it but my feelings are complicated and often contradictory.
I don’t think anyone around me understands and why should they? It hurts being so alone though.
It’s just him and me. Like when she abandoned me. Us.
There are people that love me, which is incredible really, because there’s a big piece of myself that’s missing.
He’s completely disconnected from me and when that connection is made the spark of that moment is blinding… but nobody gets to see it but me.
Or maybe I’m wrong and people do see him, or the absence of him?
Maybe people love me because of him.
I don’t really know.
All I know is that he’s closer to me today than he usually is and I’m alone and I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Yet I love the way that he sings a smile and the way that his intellect reconciles… Logic, Success, And things never guessed… Except in his eyes filled with things unexpressed.
He can sing, He can act, And in short, do it all…
Yet he doesn’t attack or make you feel small…
His voice is a gift you’re lucky to receive…
And the passion he carries makes you grieve & believe…
Yet the power held there is most naked and strong…
When he whispers against you while held in your arms:
In that muted darkness when he speaks to just you…
It’s then that you see that his power is true.
It’s not just a game though it isn’t a promise…
Things don’t always last when whispered in darkness…
Yet I want to know more and that’s really quite rare…
March 26, 2011. This was the last time that I ever saw Sean in person.
Wish you were here and that things were the same as they were when I met you with no one to blame… with no illness or madness or distance between us… I wish you were here with desire to fill us… I wish you were riding and we were together… I wish we were writing and we were forever… I wish that the others who found you were kinder… My wishes serve as a constant reminder that wishes mean nothing in the face of disaster… I wish I could hear the sound of your laughter… I wish I inspired it… Although it sounds sappy… I wish you the best and hope that you’re happy.
Written by Jason Wright August 26, 2011
For Sean: who inspired much more and deserves so much better.
