Five years ago tonight, just after midnight, in the early morning hours of October 22, 2011, I met Aaron Sanko and my life was changed forever. I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t feel the world change all at once. I didn’t have any idea of what I was in for. I just saw this guy give me a look while we were outside of a bar. But later that night, on October 22, 2011 we had what we later decided was our first date. Euchre at my place in Ann Arbor, Michigan, with my friends Charles and Ilyssa (Mente Infetti)…and then later a visit by Aaron’s friend Jesse. Aaron and I flirted all night, and when he and his friend left, Charles turned to me and said: “So…was that a date?”
At the time, my life was crumbling around me. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. I wasn’t even looking for a lover or a one night stand. Really, I was just looking for a way to survive. Even if I had been searching, most people would have taken one look at my life and then run the other way! But Aaron (thankfully) didn’t do that. He stayed. He helped. He inspired. I’m sure some of you reading this will understand because Aaron does this for many people. He’s truly amazing. His knowledge and experience are used to better the lives of countless others. In the beginning, it was unclear if that’s all that this was.
Not long after meeting Aaron he told me he was moving to New York City within a year. I told myself that this was perfect, because although I cared about him it took all the romantic pressure off of us. We couldn’t be anything too serious because Aaron was moving in less than a year and I certainly wasn’t moving to New York City! I guess you can probably see how that turned out…
Even when I moved to Manhattan with Aaron in September 2012, I wasn’t in love with him. Or if I was, I didn’t know it yet. I mean, I definitely cared about him very deeply and I was excited to be with him and part of me wanted to go with him so he wouldn’t be alone, despite the city seeming too big for me to handle. My formerly crumbling life was more secure now but I’d been wounded. And even though I was afraid, I couldn’t help falling for this amazing man who stumbled into my life because he needed to take a call from his mother when he was at the bar! I remember the night I told him I was falling for him so clearly, and how much that scared me. I knew then that he loved me and we were a team of sorts, but I was terrified of being hurt again and I was honest about this terror. That’s a staple of ours. Honesty in the face of emotional fear. It’s something I’m very proud of. It’s great, really. Unspoken feelings have destroyed several of my previous relationships and I’m sure many people can relate, and appreciate how rare our level of communication can be. It’s not perfect, but it’s as close as I’ve ever gotten to that ideal in my life.
So that was in 2012. In 2013 we moved into a condo. I was working at Starbucks. Aaron was working. We were good, I think. We didn’t have a lot of time. But we were good. It all seems good in retrospect. Though, I suppose a failing of mine was that it took me a long, long time to adjust to living in such a different culture. I’m not someone who dreamed of the bright lights of Broadway. I mean, actually, I did have some actual recurring dreams in 2006 about meeting a friend in Manhattan, but it wasn’t something that I ever planned or prepared for – and moving here, as wonderful as it’s been, was quite a shock. I’m still getting used to all kinds of things but I’ve learned a lot too and I’m so glad that I came to live here.
In September 2014 I had a breakdown. It wasn’t caused by Aaron. I’m sort of surprised that it didn’t happen sooner. People that know me or follow me on Facebook are usually aware that while I look healthy I’m actually very sick. MY stomach is partially paralyzed and because of this I’m ill on a daily basis. On one of my good days, most people would call into work. I’m usually pretty good about it. I mean, I have to be. The alternative is pretty dire and generally I just kind of wing it, but this becomes problematic when there are 3 or more days when I can’t keep much of anything down. At that point I stop caring. I’m just too exhausted to do much of anything and I definitely can’t think very clearly – which is understandable. And one day, in September 2014, my condition just finally broke me. I stopped eating. I contacted relatives to let them know what was happening. I was very calm. It was very hard for Aaron but he made sure I was cared for and seen by the right people. I eventually recovered most of what I’d lost but it meant leaving my job. I’ve been on a waiting list for disability ever since. I have lawyers that fight for me and a team of doctors that they interact with, but I’ve basically been in limbo for two years and it has not been easy at all. This has caused significant strain on my relationship with Aaron despite his understanding and support of the path that I’m on. I’m sure it would hurt anyone’s relationship to some degree; it’s very stressful. But I’m not going to dwell on that; it’s just that leaving it out felt dishonest. So there you go.
I do want to point out that in these two years, Aaron has been nothing but supportive…which is maybe part of the problem. He has supported me and I have let him. I thought I was being brave by accepting help when it made me feel weak, but looking back, I think it was just easier than facing a lot of my other, more long term fears. My fears were legitimate; I couldn’t have survived them then. I think I can now. I’m trying now at least and I’m proud of myself for that effort. But I also may be too late. And if that’s the case, well, that’s something that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.
Tonight is 5 years since the night that I first remember meeting Aaron. He’s told me that we met in passing once before that, but I have no memory of it and so this is the night that I look back and think about all that has happened since I met this love of my life. And though we aren’t in the very best place in our relationship, we’re far from the worst place that I’ve been in others, and that’s a good thing. We still love. We still care. We don’t argue beyond a moment here or there. We definitely don’t fight. We still cuddle and talk and have sex. We go to therapy. We struggle to make our lives and ourselves better. We strive for improvement. Maybe we will improve enough that I can look back again on our sixth anniversary. It’s so hard to say right now. I don’t know. He doesn’t know. But, in the end, nobody ever really knows, do they?
There’s a musical titled “The Last Five Years”; Aaron introduced me to it not long after we met. I’ve never seen the show or the movie, but we would listen to music from it in the car. I like it a lot, but it’s sad. I don’t want to look back on our last 5 years and be sad. I want to be okay and I want to look back on our last 5 years and smile. I want the last 5 years to teach us where to go next and what we can achieve together, and what we can accomplish on our own as well.
Everyone raise a glass to the last five years! <3
